SISTERS Magazine
Telling Stories of Polygynous Blessings

Na’ima speaks to Miss Azeez, author of a brand new book about her own experience of living in a plural marriage.

Asalaamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu, ukhti, and jazakAllahu khairan for taking the time to answer our questions. Please tell us a little about yourself.

Alhamdulillah, growing up I was always a seeker of truth and a challenger of the status quo. I never just believed something because it had society’s stamp of approval or because it was the norm. I grew up in a Christian family, although not at all highly religious. I was constantly searching for the purpose of this life. In my mind, clearly, there was a greater purpose to our existence in this life and a greater force, a Creator that controlled all things.

Throughout high school I had a number of chance encounters with Muslims and Islam. I was a part of cultural diversity youth group that took a class trip to an Islamic center. This was the first time I had been to a place of worship other than a church. As the brother who was our guide for the day explained the Islamic rituals of worship, taking us through step-by-step, the different actions of salaah, I was amazed by the humility and simplicity of this act of ‘ibaadah. I was equally moved by the modesty of the musalla, which was a huge contrast to the ornate and vibrant décor of the churches of my childhood.

About a year after this trip, I took another trip to Spain with my high school Spanish class. Remnants of a Muslim past, particularly in the southern part of the country, intrigued me and encouraged me to learn more about Islam.

After 9/11, I decided to do a presentation in my American Women’s History class on the status of women in Islam. SubhanAllah, as I did research for my project, I too was learning about what my position would be if I were to be a Muslim woman. After doing my presentation I was convinced of Islam’s truth, however, it wouldn’t be until my freshman year in college, a year later, that I would embrace Islam. Alhamdulillah Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala prepared me early on for the inevitable return to worshipping Him alone without any partners.

We're speaking to you today mainly because of the release of your book 'Polygynous Blessings – Musings of a Muslim Wife'. Masha Allah, congratulations on achieving what most only dream about. One question firstly: why have you used the relatively unfamiliar term 'polygyny' instead of the more common 'polygamy'?

Well, for those that are unaware, polygamy is an umbrella term that defines both the marriage of one man to multiple women and the marriage of one woman to multiple men. In Islam, only the marriage of one man to multiple women (up to four to be exact) is permissible and the term for this form of marriage is polygyny.

And how did 'polygyny' come into your life?

Alhamdulillah I have been married now for a year and a half. Prior to meeting my husband I accepted polygyny both as a part of Islam and as a marital form that I was open to practicing. When I initially met my husband we talked about him taking another wife and I expressed to him my willingness to him doing so. I actually think I was more enthusiastic about polygyny than he was, but this is undoubtedly due to my own encounters with sisters who were co-wives and whose selfless and humble example within polygyny made this part of the Sunnah appealing.

About 6 months into our marriage my husband informed me that he was considering marrying a sister in our community. Even though I was accepting of him doing so, still I am a woman and so naturally insecurities arose and I experienced feelings of jealousy and resentment. There were also attempts by sisters within the community to cause discord between myself and my co-wife even before the polygyny prospect was brought into the mix because of the fact that my co-wife is someone who my husband wanted to marry prior to him and I even meeting. So, because of all of this, I didn’t automatically embrace the situation. I didn’t reject it either, but I just needed some time to take everything in and process through my emotions before I could see the bigger picture.

And why did you feel the need to write first your bog and then your book?

I am a writer and so the way that I cope with the struggles and trials that come into my life is through writing. One of the things that I did when I found out about my husband taking another wife is I searched for forums and groups of women who were in polygyny and who I could connect with and gain some insight from about being in a polygynous marriage. While doing a search on the internet for Muslim women in polygyny, I came across a number of Muslim women who had created blogs, which are online journals, to share their experiences of being plural wives. Automatically I jumped on the opportunity to take part in this form of expression as not only would it allow me to process through my own struggle in the best way that I knew how (i.e. writing), but it also would allow me to share my process of struggling with and ultimately embracing polygyny in my life with others who may be in similar situations or are just curious about polygyny in Islam from the perspective of a Muslim woman for whom this is a reality.

After about 7 months of blogging I got to a point where I felt like my job was done, meaning I had gotten to a point where I embraced polygyny in my life and so, outside of sharing fataawa and ahadeeth on issues related to polygyny in Islam, there was not much further I could go in the blog world. At this point a brother from Indonesia who had been following my blog suggested to me that I publish my blog as a book in order to make it accessible to a larger audience as well as for those who might prefer reading a book as opposed to reading online. He gave me a link to a company, LuLu, that specializes in self-publishing and the rest is history.

Are there many sisters dealing with polygyny in this way?

Well, in terms of blogs, there are quite a few Muslimaat out there who are in polygyny and have chosen to share their experiences online. As far as books, there is actually a lack of literature about polygyny in Islam from the perspective of Muslim women who are in polygynous marriages. Even more so, there is a lack of literature on the topic coming from Muslim women who are in support of polygyny as a viable marital institution within Islam.

I noticed that there was a void in literature from the perspective of a Muslim woman who WANTED to make polygyny work in her life and strove to overcome the natural jealousy and other emotions that come with being in a polygynous situation and ultimately embrace the polygynous lifestyle. There is literature exclusively on the first wife’s struggle. There is even literature exclusively devoted to a Muslimah’s acceptance of the situation. I wanted to merge the two and actually show the process of getting from one point to the other. Because it is a process.

What have people's reactions been, both to the blog and the book?

Alhamdulillah, for the most part reactions have been positive. I get a sense that there is a desire amongst sisters in this Ummah to read about polygynous marriages that are successful, but even more so sisters seem to be thirsty for good advice on how to deal with the natural emotions that arise and practical ways of embracing the situation. Not to discredit the experiences of my sisters out there who are in situations where they are being treated unjustly, and may Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala ease their plight and guide them to that which is best (Ameen), but I get the sense that Muslimaat are overwhelmed with stories of ‘polygyny-gone-wrong’. It’s like, we know that this is a reality, so what do we do about it? How do we make it right? I think sisters are beginning to realize and accept that the practice of polygyny is not going to go away; in fact it seems to be spreading. So instead of trying to avoid it, sisters want to know how to make it work.

And your hopes for the book are..?

As I mention in my book, to try to stop the practice of polygyny would be like trying to stop the spread of Islam. Both have been ordained by Allah and prophesied by the Prophet Muhammad, Sallallaahu 'Alayhi wa Sallam. We know that there will come a time when the practice of polygyny will not just be about a brother's desire for it, but will be about his obligation to do it as it will become a necessity. In fact, it will get to a point that women will outnumber men 50 to 1 so that even if every man took the maximum limit of four wives, there will still be women left over without a husband. Whether we like it or not, polygyny is a part of our present and pre-destined future, whether directly or indirectly. Somebody in our family lineage, whether it be our children, their children, or someone further down the line will be personally affected by polygyny.

That being said, it is my hope that my book will help soften my sisters’ hearts to polygyny and make it more palatable to them if perhaps their husbands decide to go into it. I also hope that my book will remove the stigma and taboo that is attached to the subject amongst sisters and encourage more of us who are in successful polygynous marriages to be vocal about our experiences, insha’Allah.

I see that you are preparing two anthologies on polygyny writing. Could you tell us more about that?

Na’am. Alhamdulillah ‘Polygynous Blessings: Musings of a Muslim Wife’ was the springboard for a project I am starting entitled, “Polygynous Expressions: Bringing New Voice to Polygyny Discourse.” Currently I am seeking submissions for two anthologies insha’Allah, one entitled ‘To Protect and Maintain: Muslim Men Speak on Their Role as Polygynous Husbands’ and the other, ‘Growing Up Polygynous: Children’s Reflections’. One thing that I have found in my discussion with sisters is that they are really interested to hear brothers’ views on polygyny. Also, there is a lot of discussion about how polygyny is unhealthy for the children who grow up in it, while I myself know of examples that prove quite the contrary. So, I wanted to give both men and children a voice on this topic with the hope that insha’Allah this would challenge a lot of the negative preconceptions and assumptions made about their role within polygyny.

You seem to be on a pro-polygamy mission here...

Masha Allah, yes I am!!! But not only that, I am calling upon people to do it, and to do it right. SubhanAllah, you know, there are tons of anti-polygamists amongst our ranks who are vocal about their stance. I am on the other side of the fence and I have no shame about that because I am encouraging my sisters upon the haqq. I am not calling them to do anything haraam or anything that is disliked by Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. This is my goal, to enjoin the good and forbid the evil. Insha’Allah Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala will assist me in this endeavor and make me successful in it if that is what is best.

This article was published in the first issue of SISTERS.

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